there are those who will thank God for everything.

there are those who will blame God for all things going wrong.

there are those who refuse to attribute anything to God.

there are those who live sacrifically and love God with their whole hearts.

there are those who deny God with all they've got.

there are those who have just never imagined or heard of God.

there are those who simply doesn't care about God.

there are none whom shall seek God and not find.

there are none whom His love will deny.

so who are you? what do you believe? are u living?

i have my enlistment...

7th April, 2006. (Friday) 0800 hours

anyone heading to sembawang on that day?

i think of somebody as in the wrong to do what he did under his circumstance.

but when i think again, i don't think i would have reacted very differently. i'm just not above this. i know there'd be a certain limit that i'll be tested to and when it hits that, i'll just not believe anymore. i'd turn away too.

and it makes me feel like such a jerk.


maybe i don't want anything to happen. maybe i just want to be able to walk away.

but i don't know. i don't. nopes, not at all.

i can't stop my thoughts running wild these days. conspiracy theories. warped ideologies. impossibilities. oh God, grant me some sanity.


and life gets so incredulously blue sometimes.

what Mr Ho Seng Chye said today really made a lot of sense today. he was going on and on with his BS again, but i caught this part that he said, that a lot depends on luck.

"if you lucky, a student who is supposed to get a C for math will get A ahhh. if sway, then an A student get C lor."

think that is pretty true. i wonder how much we really are in control of our lives. there is really so many things that are out of the control of us mere humans. and we can only be assured that there is one God out there, and everything happens for His purpose. it is all in His control.


spent almost the entire of today in school. haha. i think walter and me have perfect timing. we planned to meet at 9, and were both late. and late at almost the same amount of time, i ran into him as i was getting off the bus and he's just past the busstop. ok, aniwaes, studied in the morning, slacked then had math lecture again, and played frisbee after that. haha. tonight will need to do 2 prelim papers for physics, and the GP compre before going to sch again tmr. arranged to meet mr tay at 0730. i guess it is good to push myself hard now. i don't want to end A's feeling i didnt try hard enough. besides, it takes my mind off some stuff i rather not think about now. it is in God's hands. :)

sigh and the mountainloads of messes i am in or have created, i really don't know what to do with it. thank God for friends whom are there to listen. sigh, but there still are lots that are still mined in the recesses of my heart. and i can only surrender it all to God now. see what happens when you try to take stuff into your hands? you get your hands burnt. like me right here. oh God, help me please.

i miss having a personal relationship with You a lot. please come back into my life.

Casting Crowns - Stained Glass Masquerade ( i know ppl usually wouldnt read song lyrics but i ask for this once, that u'd look through this. says what i feel. :)

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of
Jesus Be enough to make you stay

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?

i think i opened up a pandora's box.. and things seem so bad now that it feels like the sun don't shine on me anymore.

but realistically, there's no going back is there? u can't stuff everything back into pandora's box no more. why? because all the time the things were locked up, the bad stuff inside kept growing and growing. as any physics student would tell you, the mass accumulated exerts an outward pressure on the box. sooner or later, it'd explode. and once it is open, it'd be impossible to put them all back into the box. because it'd take some squeezing, and we aint capable of squeezing i think.

well, at least the box got cleared up.

still, i feel like shit. if it had stayed inside the box, then we'd only have one dirty box. now that it's out, oh wells. maybe if i hadn't.. but i can only say what's done is done and there is no going back.

sometimes i wonder if freedom to make public statements is any good at all. i can hardly handle it. just saying what i feel, or think is right seems to be not working well at all.

as i was praying today, i told God about all the problems and bad situations i had gotten myself into. the chaos i've caused, and i just wondered if there is any way to make it all alright again. and this answer i found in the casting crowns cd.


"To fear is to take our eyes off Jesus."