this is sad. i really don't know what to say.

i can almost hear it go "thunk, thunk, thunk....."
- the monotone beating of an iron heart.

i am going looney from cooping myself up at home all day. trying to study, yet i don't even spend 50% of it studying. now i don't even feel ready for prelims.

with all the beatings we all have to go through before reaching adulthood, it really is no wonder that some adults behave as if they don't have a heart.

the new somebody.. ong something something. just coming back and saying tt our arts scene is f-ed up. well, what is ur f-ing problem. it may be half-true but you don't just come and diss everybody like that. so much for maturity.

but it hurts that sometimes i behave like that too. and maybe i'll grow up to be like that. and especially that my self-conciousness borders at insanity level, i wouldn't even know. ahh help. is it just me or is it an everybody thing to feel deranged?

so if i don't do prelims, i'm supposed to not be bothered by it because results aren't everything? yea it'd make me look down on myself but i'm not supposed to feel a thing? it's a humongous ego battering and i'm not supposed to feel anything?

if i never get to play music for the world, i'm supposed to be pragmatic and look for practical vocations?


i hear it, it's starting to go "thunk, thunk......."






watching the tv show today, i've decided when i become a parent, i'd have my wife and children all learn an instrument or how to sing. then we'd sing happy songs around a phony fireplace and laugh and enjoy the music and each other. then there'd be plenty of ice, sugar, and strawberry. it'd all be so sweet and heavenly.

The painter - O town. (pop, unlikely huh?)

If I were a painter, mixing my colors
How could I ever find, the blue of your eyes?
The canvas could never, capture the light of your smile
Of your smile

And girl, if I were a sculptor, working in marble
I couldn't hope, to copy your perfect face
The curve of your body, the feel of your skin
My hands could never, ever trace


So I'll try and find a melody as beautiful as you
Find the words to say your eyes are bluer than blue
Fill my voice with the emotion I'm feeling for you
And now, when the beat is so strong
I'll give my heart in a song

If I were an actor, I could be someone
Someone who'd always know, the right things to say
But as soon as I'd see you, I'd forget all my lines
And you'd never know, what I feel inside

There's no other way (no other way)
That I know to say (I know to say)
Baby, how much I love you
And if you'll only give me a chance

I'll give my heart in a song
You know I'm not a painter, actor, baby
It don't matter
I'll give my heart in a song
Oh, you're so beautiful
Give you my heart in a song
I'll do, I'll do what I do
You know why, why?
Your eyes are bluer than blue
Uh huh, yeah,
I said I'll do what I do
I'll do, I'll do what I do
You know why, why?
Your eyes are bluer than blue
Uh huh, yeah,
I said I'll do what I do...



now, on another matter.

if you ask me, it is bloddy stupid.

why is it that much our lives we have to spend in pretense? and we actually have to go through so much despair?

whatever happened to the values they taught us when we were young? it is a simple world. yet none of us wants to live by the simple rules.

will we ever get tired of messing up own world?




i'm sorry. the despair is getting into my heart tonight.

watched ANTM yest night. now i like kahlen. haha. she is so pretty and never ever had a boyfriend before. and she behaves pretty ok(not bitchy) and blushes so easily. gosh. cute, and beautiful. ok stop it now. she doesnt even know i exist. but its fun to be irrational sometimes. hahaha. kahlen rocks.

it was the episode which tyra blew up. welll, i think tyra had a point. everyone goes through plenty of shit in life, and it is up to us, whether to be a victim, or choose to learn from it and move on.

the people who choose to be victims, well, they'll never really grow. not when they rather wear their hurt as an amour.

and people who choose to be honest, and admit their shortcomings or to forgive others, they end up a happier and better bunch though it'd take much courage to do this.

i honestly want to write lots of encouragement to people in church, but can't get started. well, anybody want to tag-team?

wished i could have written a love song. or a worship song. but i don't have a love. (well, don't have one tts not one-sided aniwaes. haha!) and i don't know why i'm always blocked when trying to write a worship song. well, if anybody decides to sponsor me a mic or recording thing, i'll record the prev one. haha. but wow. its the first time i am getting any recognition for my works. don and shing, thanks! mebbe u r just being nice, i dunnoe. haha. but the person i wrote it for, well he/she'd prob nv read that. :/ it's all that matters in the end isn't it?

think i shall not blog about today. rather sianed to live the whole day all over again. but i must say i am very, very proud of leah. well done, girl!

i wanna buy a lot of stuff now. a martin smith attire, the foo fighters cd, a dvd player, a guitar, a new amp(my current one is SUCKY.), lots of furniture/decorative ornaments(been having the weirdest obsessions with home decor now. i could probably sit down and tell you about my dream home for an hour.)

i realize i am not very mature for my age.



is someone getting the best, the best, the best of you?