i feel vulnerable and invincible.

i am down, but i am not deprived of hope.

tinges of grey are the brightest colour in my monotone silhouette.

and it seems like this is the best i can ever feel.

WHO IS SHE?!

joysticks and hypocrisy.

hahaa. today's joke of the day was about joysticks. mmm. R21 content so i wont post it in my blog. the last one was about d***head. hahahaaha. i can't drop this joystick thing though. but we'll prob be over it when i get back to sch on wed.

school was good today. found myself actually listening to lectures today, and really learnt a lot. tho some lectures i'd have found boring on other days. oh damn, if only i had started this way earlier, i wouldnt have to suffer now. find it quite stimulating and fun actually. oh why do i only realize it near the end of my school life?

and another thing i've been thinking about is hypocrisy. i'm always bothered by how somebody can be so horribly hypocritic and get away with it, just because some ppl see the good side of him while the rest of us just get his bad side. oh, sigh. i wonder what we're living so steadfastly as faithful Christians and friends when by being a two-faced serpent can get u all the benefits. but i know that at the end, we'll be standing before God with only Him to answer to, and even in this life, God shall be our vindicator.

and i am a hypocrite too. though i say that i'll try to love the world, i actually harbor a secret hope that God will not forgive those who have so rudely hurt their friends, who are too, precious children of God. but forgiveness, ahh. it is God's to give. and the cross that surpassed all, is bigger than me and all that i ever will be. so, it is not about me. :)

so passionately i sing the songs during worship, about going to the ends of the world, living only for You, desiring only God, yet when the crunch comes, i find myself so lacking in the courage, the love, or the heart to give myself up. so you see, i am just as hypocritical as everyone else whom i judge. and who am i to even judge?

it is funny how ppl look at Christians and point out their negative traits and shortfalls, when one of the key idea in Christian theology is acknowledgement of urself as being imperfect, unholy and needing of grace which we cannot earn for salvation.

i'm gonna make the rest of this year count. can't be depressed over stupid matters and be a dead man walking. no matter what happens, life goes on! and it is up to me how much i want to make use of it. C'est la vie.

sonicfest was good. oh damn, if only church worship could ever be as live as that, it'd really rock. but realistically, maybe half as lively would be good enuff for us in the short term.

life is like a series of lesson. u know what? i realize something about education. it doesnt matter if u can do just well enough to squeeze thru to the next stage, coz u'd probably suffer that. education actually requires you to condition your character, and discpline your mind such that you'd be able to cope with the syllabus in the time frame and independence of the next level, and when it finally comes, to be an independent team worker in the working world. so being smart doesnt really help at all. you just end up being unhappy somewhere you shouldn't be.

over the next two weeks, i only have 5 school days in 14 days. sounds fun huh? well, if isnt my A levels year, i would be. but because it is, it sucks to have so little sch days coz i dun have the discipline to study. sch days would be better coz i'd naturally go study. well, i have vocational assignment on tues, careers day on wed, and national day hols the first three days of next week. i better do something constructive with all my holidays and not play it all away.

I WANNA GO ROCK ON STAGE. WHEN WILL I EVER GET THE CHANCE TO DO IT? NOT FOR THE GLORY OR FAME, BUT JUST FOR THE HIGH YOU CAN GET OUT OF IT. WHEN, WHEN, WHEN? GIVE ME A GIG SOMEONE. PLEASE!