as i sit in this room and play my guitar, my voice breaking at the end of every high note, obviously out of range with my sore throat, and playing with bad rhythm coz i don't really know the song, i stumbled upon a realization.

right now, circumstances seem to be dragging me out of living the way i am as a christian now. somehow, it seems that the options i have would mean that i can serve less in church, go for less bible study, or may even be uprooted from my own church. seems like that's growing up. and i am really tempted to make these decisions for me to get the most out of it. and shift God to second place.

but i know that is not the way to live.

i know who God is.

i know how much of a life He gave to me.

i know He has much more for me.

even though i feel like i've experienced heartbreak after heartbreak,
even though i haven't been worthy to be a light unto the world,
even though i always stray and break His heart.
even though my resolve in being christian and living a God-honouring life is constantly hammered is yet again on the verge of breaking down,

i know.

i know my life will never be complete if i turn away from Him.

no matter what the world can give, no matter what i can achieve.

i will never feel complete. i will never feel like the purpose of my life complete.



For Your love
Is higher than the heavens
Deeper than the sea
And all i want is You in my life.
No one else can satisfy my soul
Can satisfy my soul
Can make me feel this way
Only You Lord,
Only You.


maybe someday i'll be battered too weak to not feel this way anymore. but when that day comes, i pray that You and you will not forsake me and lead me back. please do not give up on me.

the swelling's going down.. phew :) but the antibodies seem to be literally fighting a war inside me. i wonder if it is normal to develop a fever after eating em antibodies. ok, one more day of mc, which i probably will not take since i am anxious to go to school.. maybe can save it for a later date. haha. yea right.

recieved another further reporting order by mail today. wah damn it. how many times have i recieved further reporting orders already? let me think. just for my check-up, 3 times. pilot's once, and now some vocational assignment at sembawang. FIFTH time! somebody in there must be in love with me. and it's not over yet. possibly an interview for the airforce and the medical that follows. gosh, i am serving NS already.

ok, was serving the navy website to see what possible vocations they could want me for. and under the family benefits section, i saw this.

_____ Family Based· Family Life Activities Grant · Wedding Gift · Gift for Newborn · SAF Child Development Centres · Will Preparation Services · SAF Exclusive Card · Financial Assistance Grant / Loan · Holiday Tours · SAF Consumer Services · Bursary and Scholarship Awards


haahahaha! says a lot doesn't it?

ok, shut up in case the gahmen come for me.

just saw the doctor for the swelling on my left calf. the doctor put me on antibiotics for two days, and if it doesnt get better by tmr, will have to go for surgery. damn it man.

if it goes well, the swelling will start to go down, and i'll be ok by the end of the week.

if not, surgery, will have to dress the wound for 2 weeks. hope this wouldn't affect my Pes status, or make me unegligible for the pilot post i am applying for. but, 2 weeks in pain, not very conducive to studying. and i don't frikkin wanna go for surgery!

it seems like my world is on the verge of crashing.

Lord, let the antibiotics work please.

and ppl, show some love will you? please pray for me. i'll be good. really.

so here i sit, in a dark room facing the glow of a computer screen.

i wonder what goes on outside this room. there are people dying, crying, falling in love, fighting, believing, fearing, partying, and every other activity that goes on at this hour in the night. but i am just sitting here feeling jaded.

i wonder where i will be this time next year.

i wonder where everyone else will be.

the girls would be in uni already. the guys, probably all in green. hopefully i can be in aussie at this time next year. either in aussie or in love. i wouldnt mind either.

i wonder how my parents feel about me. am i extremely unfillial? am i very very cold to them? if i had a son like me, i wonder how much i'd have been hurt.

i stare at my msn list. i wonder if she's blocked me. i wonder if he's blocked me. i wonder if he sees whether i am online anymore or not. i wonder if she scrolls over my nick, sees my address and still remember who i am.

i don't really like looking back. especially at past relationships. because it makes me see how superficial i've been to others. i've changed. i'm trying to treasure my friends, trying to be a friend to ppl, trying to be responsible in the bg kind of feelings. but in the end, it feels like someone pulled my heart out and dragged it on concrete ground. then put it back in the wrong spot, with bits torn and missing.

and i am so tired today. i know i've got to focus on my A's now. D D E cant get me anywhere. my teacher predicted a BBB for me. but screw that. come on, who wants a B B B? ahh, but i haven't felt like an A student for a long time. not since primary school.

so i'll just go now. if u see this black blog, remember it looks sad only becoz it is black. i am looking forward to better tomorrows. i am hopeful of what tmr can bring. bring it on, baby.

i am getting numb of the colour green. (if you know what i mean)