got thrown on my head during training today, and may have a concussion.. knocked out for 1 or 2 secs probably, but it was a really horrible feeling. like u lose all your five senses at one go, and you're floating away, totally out of control and helpless. well, its the first time i ever got knocked out during sports or anything. really praying it is not a concussion.. well, at least i have not vomitted but the headache i have is still not gone. will have to see how when i wake up tomorrow.

and the funny thing was ppl(i think alvin n hejia or xunzhong) asked if the knock made me forget about all the things i studied for mid yrs. well, not really la. but its a good excuse during PTM huh? :)

oh yeah, was sitting around before afternoon part of training, when the girls played and were talking about this subject which i shall not reveal here to mantain the decency of this site. damn i felt uncomfortable about a subject girls are talking about. it is usually the other way round, when guys talk about something too dirty or crude. ahh. its a sign of gender-shifting of the judo girls. i've always wondered why they are so violent. but really, is it because they have forgotten that i'm really a guy? hahahaaha it was hella funny though. revelations.

on another matter, it is funny how when different ppl do the same thing, or you do the same thing with two different ppl, it all feels different. i mean, it really is still basically the same thing, but because it is a different person, it feels different. that's what romance really is maybe.

also, on yet another matter, is it ok for you to have expectations of people which they cannot live up to when it will stumble people? i don't really think so. working in an imperfect world, we must acknowledge that expecting the ideal is really quite impossible, and not set standards they cannot get to, and chide them when they stumble.

ahh i don't know what to do about this phobia of being judged. makes me just want to live as a nomad, so that i will not stay long enough at the same place for ppl's judgement to have an effect on my life. but really, by just doing that is tantamount to having bore the brunt of all that judgement by choosing a life of escapism.

and i am still behind time and dying trying to pass my mid yrs. help anyone?

i am actually not really depressed or anything. seriously, life aint that bad. maybe its because i blog mostly when i am feeling down.. there are some stuff bothering me, and i am not really clear about what the * i'm going through too. it resides in a deep dark crevice of my heart, and only close friends who ask will ever find out. of course that depends on time and chance too la. haha. i've resolved that is where it will stay, or i'll write about it in my real-life journal. blogs are not good places to bare your heart, probably because it gets misintepreted all too often. besides secrets are secrets and everybody have them don't we?

ok i shall try to be quite positive in today's entry...

been quite happy lately.. i don't know why. probably because i have got good friends around, and a good God, and a good book to read. but it all is fine. :) this doesn't mean that life is going any smoother than before, in fact, it has been pretty rough lately. but i guess i've learnt some optimisticism. life's good. ask me why and i'll tell you. then that will convince you i'm a nutcase..

studying for mids is quite screwed. though i've been a lot more productive these few days. maybe studying at home all day is good. what i do, is study half the day at home, then go study the other half outside. what a nerd. but really, i've only tried that for one day.. the rest of the holidays, i either never touched my books or opened up my books then sat down in front of the google box.

and coach is sending me for national schools. YAY? the problem is he is sending me to middle weight, probably to get trashed so he can laugh at me in the face and tell me the consequences of not going to trainging. well, firstly, the middle weight ppl would mostly be 10kg heavier than me(not exaggerating), trained for 5 years or 6, and have trained very hard for this coming judo season. oh wells, i'll just go and fight what i can. a fighter never goes in to the ring thinking he is going to lose, or he'd do better not going in at all..

got a full day of training tmr.. die. still got that minorly-sprained right ankle, and a newly sustained carpet burn. haha how i got that carpet burn is funny. how dumb.

most days, i do dumb things. and most days, i am happy. there is a direct relationship between being dumb and being happy. people, you should learn from this and apply it every day of your life.

it gets harder to believe the world is beautiful as i grow. been through more and more trials this year than the past year. realizing that the world is incredibly cold, and people, in every environment are incredibly cold and selfish. and thing is, it is only gonna get worse. i have only seen so little. it's hard to keep believing in the living.

Guns N' Roses - Live and let die

When you were young
and your heart was an open book
You used to say live and let live
you know you did
you know you did
you know you did
But if this ever changin world
in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
Live and let die

What does it matter to ya
When ya got a job to do
Ya got to do it well
You got to give the other fella hell

You used to say live and let live
you know you did
you know you did
you know you did
But if this ever changin world
in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
Live and let die

If you were looking for an entry, just read this song.

Avalon- Always have, Always will

Part of me is the prodigal
Part of me is the other brother
But I think the heart of me
Is really somewhere between them
Some days I'm running wild
Some days we're reconciled
But I wonder all the while
Why you put up with me, when...
I wrestle most days
To find ways to do as I please

I always have, I always will
You saved me once, You save me still
My longing heart, Your love alone can fill
You always have, always will

I was born with a wayward heart
Still I live with a restless spirit
My soul is so well worn
You'd think I'd have arrived by now
I'm caught in the trappings of
My search for lasting love
I've made mistakes enough
To last me a lifetime
I still slip, I still fall
But I'll always run back to you

I'm gonna keep trusting You
I see what You've seen me through
I'm goin' where You have gone (yeah)
I'm letting You lead me on
All my days (always and forever)
Never far (never leave me never)
Here I'll stay (ever love me ever)
Here's my heart
I'll always love You, love You (yeah)

I always have, I always will
You saved me once,
You save me still
My longing heart,
Your love alone can fill
You always have, always will

Oh, You always have, You always will