Everybody’s screaming I try to make a sound but no one hears me I’m slipping off the edge I’m hanging by a thread I wanna start this over again So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered And I can’t explain what happened And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done No I can’t How could this happen to me I've made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me was just blog hopping about, and read this blog of somebody from some church.
reading it, i guess i can say that i face rather similar circumstances. in my own church, doors are closing on me. the ministries i had in the previous year was much more than this year, and there are a lot of ministries i cannot get back to anymore. so lets talk a little about ministries.
i co-headed alpha last year, and now the revamped hoo haa looks promising.. i guess they do have a stronger team now with the addition of other people like kum weng, and other non-alpha peeps. think clemence and edmund are doing rather good jobs in their new positions, just that there are some things they need to look out for as they are quite inexperienced, like working with the team, and other sorts of cunning stuff. haha. but they are doing really well. can say that they are taking this alpha/hoo-haa to greater heights. just praying that their publicities can get done well enough, so that their well thought out programmes wont suffer. well, this is one flourishing ministry i won't get back into, the way i washed my hands off it.
then there is boys' brigade. chose not to be enrolled this year, as didnt want to make a commitment i can not keep. also, an fu is the new OC and i didnt want to get too involved, as things may not work out well, particularly because i am such a high D. still trying to do my part, but it is really frustrating, seeing how the other officers work. particularly those who are enrolled. they get all the benefits and what not, but yet they are so complacent. sometimes seeing them like that leaves me fuming. but i can not go in and take any action. it is not my part to do i guess, and i don't really want to strain relations with my brothers.
served in e-team too last year, because of my involvement with alpha. did some oasis' here an there. and guess the biggest event i ever did or ever will do is oasis "live!" i heard nearly 300 ppl attended, is that right? don't really know, but i found out that the way i work was rather unorthodox. i guess i wasn't very humble back then, seeing how i didnt really give due considerations to the leaders like winston and clarence. oh wells, it ended with me now out of e-team, and no more projects on my palette. if only i had been more respectful of them.
sometimes i think humility is one thing that i have been trying so hard for, yet is unable to get. like i am so ashamed of the way i behave in cg. don't prepare, don't pay attention. for who she is, i think joanne chen does deserve more respect than this. but i guess i just drift too much.
and then there is worship. i think they have not been very fair to me. this is kinda a touchy subject, so can't elaborate here. but i guess the point is, i don't feel it is fair, and i am rather bitter about it, though i try very hard not to be. still, by trying to be fair to others, they are not being fair to me. do they not see this or do they not care? sigh.
church doesnt feel the same as it was a year ago. maybe its because of broken relations or because of lesser involvement now. but i wished it could be much better. i guess there's a lot of healing that needs to be done between me and some of the ppl, and a lot of ppl i need to show more love to. i don't think i am being a good example for those around. but i am not really a leader, nor am very public in yf any longer, so really should i care?
and its very disheartening to realize after a few years in here, that church isn't really an utopia though it is supposed to be. seeing the broken-ness of my state in yf, sometimes i feel like i could be serving more somewhere else. but still, it may end up all the same after a few years. maybe it is just test of monotony over here as pastor raymond says, or maybe some place else bids me.