today i spent the entire evening in church. but it was one of my meanest days ever. i didn't even speak one single word in love. i was sarcastic. i was insensitive though i knew that somebody needed would have needed me to be nice. i wanted attention. i nearly wanted to give up seeing what good God has in his plans for me. i placed myself on a pedestal, i worshipped myself. i wanted everybody to see me as the greatest and themselves to feel small and insignificant..

sounds like just another asshole?

yeap, that's me.

all these years, i figured, the biggest hypocrite in my life is me.

got this off marcus' blog. haha. true?

Your #1 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression.You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything.Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off.You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

plenty of stuff going on in my life right now.. let's see.

1. SATs this saturday.

do i need to study for SAT? i don't think there is content to be covered, but i think there is a need to familiarize myself with what the test is like. seeing i'm asking the above listed question, you can guess how i am progressing in the revision for this.

2. NS

PES A, and for the aptitude test, i rather stupidly choose those options that'd leave me liable to get into commandos, guards, navy and divers. either one of them is not easy. but come to think of it, i've only got a silver for my napfa. so i think i won't go get it upped to gold to lessen the risk of me getting into those mentioned units.

3. 8am worship

Jaw-dropping. the songs for this sunday includes awesome in this place, open the eyes of my heart, and amazing love. wow. though i nv heard the other two songs ever before, but still. WAH. it is right to say 8am is going contemp very rapidly. hope it sustains.

4. late coming

actually, i have been technically late for school almost everyday for the last few weeks. just that being me(heheh) i sneak into school rather innocently and never get caught. today, however, i got called. it is time to wake up and start learning to be a punctual person. i wouldn't want to be late for the most important date of my life, or to the altar on my wedding day. it is just plain stupid.

5. guitaring

i am losing touch with everything not noisy. i can't even handle united live's more mellow stuff. ahh. and modern rock stuff is so, oh wells, i get no groove playing it.

ok, the ranting i typed before i typed what is above.

some things are just different.. i thought i was doing ok. but then i just read some things, and feels like the whole world came crashing down. i wonder why it matters so much to me. i've rationalized it, and do feel that this is not the right time. and i've put all my trust in God that He'll bring the right one. well, i can do whatever need i want to do, live the way i want to, but it takes just a few lines, a song, or a dream about it which comes at an unnatural frequency, and i'm captured by those feelings again. it can't be this hard to walk away.. there never was much.

i'm gonna live my life,
like everyday's the last.
without a simple goodbye,
it goes by so fast...

and now that you're gone,
i can't cry hard enough.
no, i can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now.

i've let you go like, a child letting go of his kite.

the child will miss his kite, and no matter how hard he cries or pleads, it is up to the winds to bring it back. maybe the child will never forget this kite. maybe he'll pick up another one at the toy shop the next day. maybe the winds will bring the kite back to him.

one thing's for sure. there is no kite like this one.

i am so touched..

only today, did i properly realize that at Oasis "live!" Zi Hang and Ji Rong made decisions for christ in their lives. and all the time i had thought that nobody got anything out of it. i feel so blessed, honoured, and yet at the same time, humbled in a strange way that God would actually use what i did to touch eternity.

indeed, there is no greater honour than to be used by God, and be empowered by Him to touch someone else's life, such that he might spend the rest of his life, and eternity differently.

i am also very honoured to be called to be a worship musician. when i watched take all of me mtv today, i realized that what we as musicians do, the effort we put in to our craft not only pleases God, but can also mean a lot to someone in the congregration too in their experience of worship. it really thrills me a lot, and motivates me to put in more effort to my craft, such that God may be glorified and others may be ministered.

think what ben says is true. it may seem as one thing to us, but could be a different thing to the congregration. A reverse example to what he says, what may be some complex mixolydian-harmonicminor-yadadayada-lick to us may be a couple of sounds that God is using to bring His people close to Him.

i really wish that i could write better such that i can bring across what i want to say. used to be able to do that last time, but i think i've lost it. well, i'm gonna work at it.

meanwhile, i'm gonna continue on my plan to change the world. change the future? no. make a change for eternity.

How can it be
You were the one on the cross
Lifted for all our shame?
How can it be
The scars in
Your hands are for me?
You are the king of all

You are so faithful,
You said that you would never leave.
Your grace is so astounding,
Your love so amazing.
You make grown man want to cry.

And i love You, more than life//