so how do you define success in a church service?

one where one person is ministered to?

one where the majority is ministered to?

one where ALL are ministered to?

one that pleases God?

i am really so confused about bb enrolment tmr(how do you spell tomorrow? tommorow?). somehow, i feel it could have been much better done. i know the turnout may be rather lousy, and we don't really have anything really zai to show off. i tried doing my part by proposing this new service with a play comprising of worship and sermon together, but more and more its seems like a uncohesive and ill-preped first effort. really wanted this to be the part that the boys get something out of, but i don't know. must look to God to work. will have to pray fervently like what reuben said today. sigh. the boys really don't deserve a laclustre enrolment service in an empty sanctuary.

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. i feel so screwed up coz of this. where did the history maker i want to be go?

damn. this feels like the worse event i've ever done. so low on confidence for this. gotta pray gotta pray. God you'll do wonders even with what little a boy can bring you right? you did it before with the loaves and fishes. do it again!

sometimes when i'm tired of serving and being the sucker to hold everything together, i wonder if it is more worth it to be selfish. like selfish pple get it all the more better. they get more appreciated coz they draw the attention, they get more friends cause they can be less serious when things have to be done and go flirt around, they can ignore what their friends feel and go ahead with going after what they want.

but it's not about that is it? i wanna worship before the Most High Throne of God. and it's worth the pain i know it is.

by his stripes we are healed.
our trangressions are forgiven because of his death.
there is only one love i should be chasing now.
self denial? it can't match ur pain.

so still..

my heart burns for You.

why is it on singapore/american idol, they always screw up the rock songs? today for bo and constantine, they screwed up both songs. tempo wrong, or the instrumentalizationyblablabla sounded wussy. same thing for sly and he's its my life in SI. pussy cat version of it. haha.

think rock has been one of the best things in my life. though i don't think i am some hard-core rocker. i still look quite normal eh. and i do listen to radio stuff, though i have absolutely no idea what the top 10s stuff are, other than its probably some rap shite..

rock is, well liberating. and expressive. its headbanging and it makes you wanna growwl. haha. and rock makes you stupid. that's why i can't even describe it now. lets try another dig at it.

rock frees it all.

haha. ok i give up. it is amazing how the open G or Gb sounds very very liberating. simplest chord, everybody's first chord. but it feels super good when cranked up on overdrive. just listen to Gn'R.

and i realize i can play licks now! though not orgasmic like slash's or anybody else, well i'm getting started. soon baby. rock stardom here i come! hahaah. alterbridge's open your eyes seemed quite hard to play, but now it doesnt look to be so challenging anymore. haha. no i can't do tt shred solo yet but i cud figure some of it. i'll get down to learning it properly from tabs and all tt schmooze soon. after i'm done with picking up stuff conducive to worship first i guess.

:) God bless rock and all the deranged stars in them. may they know Your love and do Your will.

was thinking about what i am doing currently, and what i'd have to drop in preparation for my A's..

think i don't really have tt much of heavy commitments now, and for the most of them, i'll be stopping after june. that should free me up a whole lot after that.

the most bugging thing on my mind is a certain ministry. i can't name it here. i know that we don't serve based on own feelings, and we can't be serving to our preference. but i am a strong believer that we serve in what God called us to. i know i have got a calling in that area, but yet i am not serving to what i think i can. sigh. i actually do feel very very restricted serving in that area, and i struggle spiritually because of that too. i have to seriously consider whether i should continue to stick in there to be the sucker. because nobody is edified through my struggles, neither can i see it enhancing any thing in the glorification of God. maybe someplace else is the place for me, maybe i can do something else in this place. there's a whole lot of negativity that i am going through, and it is much more than you can see or i can let out.

ok i haven't mentioned any specifics. mrs sally chew said that the first thing to do is talk to God first, not talk to anybody else first and see. so i shall do just that.

please pray for me as i pray for myself to get out of this spiritual boghole so i can see the much greater things in life. :)