what a weird day.. hit a moody patch after break today. sigh.

it's damn hot.. supposed to come home study, then go back sch for night study, but neither happened. i don't think will be going back, coz nobody's going. oh well. i'll just try to study at home...

wanna go jogging now. feel fat. i wanna lose more weight. i wanna be slim and sexy. haha.

and i've decided i like united live's version of glory more than hillsong's.. well actually i like united live better now.

i cant play the guitar nowadays.. fingers feel quite dead, no musical sense at all. sigh.

take care all u ppl. i'll try not to piss you off.

i am still confused and angsty.

i need some divine help.

you kids better not read this. scram.

so bloody pissed now. got railed at by my parents for freaking nothing. so everything is my fault. fine then. i am just the most useless jerk in the world. doesnt matter if i try to do some things for your convenience. coz u just have no fucking confidence in me. thanks a lot for that kind of trust in your son.

i think people have more confidence in my capabilities outside home then at home. yea man. but its all fucking screwed now. maybe i should have played some bloody politics instead of innocently believing that the world is actually wonderful and beautiful. how dumb of me to have believed in an ideal that doesnt work. i bet some people are totally laughing at how politically clumsy i am.

and i think i was actually happier back at the time when i innocently believed in a beautiful world. a world where in church, people would actually think and behave as according "to God be the glory" where in school people will help their fellow friends out at the expense of their own convenience, where at home parents loved and believed in their children.

yea and about judo training, went to training. and seriously what the heck to train with? i always go to training and give 100% though i do skip a lot. and what do i get back from it? its not like i can improve a lot. there is nobody around to train with dude. carrying a 50kg guy around helps nothing. and so they think i'm a slacker cause i skip training. how bloody hypocritical of some of them. i go train hard when i do train, while they sit around and say they are injured here and there, or just slack around training like a wussy.

and i wish satan would just remain in hell. its fucking lousy when he is winning this battle against me. i haven't felt sustained peace or joy, needless to say euphoria for the entire year. and i am blaming the whole world and God for it. i can't help it though i know its wrong. its ok when i'm on the winning side, but when i'm growing so increasingly bitter and faithless, i can't seem to see a way back. it sucks that i can see no hope at all. if you try giving me a pep talk, maybe i will feel good for 2 minutes and get depressed again. i think the only one tt can help me now is God himself. so yea, kindly pray for me, and help me ask God to forgive me and do something to help me find my way back. i can not do it on my own.

sorry for the vulgar and angsty entry. if you are offended, take my apology and be reminded that i don't exist to please you.