just cleared my email inbox a while ago. deleted off all the messages that weren't important anymore. led me to a few realizations..

1. ministries

realized that i am no longer actively involved in any ministry anymore. as in, not leading anything.. dropped my alpha and e-team commitment. so what's left, would be sports comm and worship. don't really know if this is for better or worse.. looks like i was too eager to shed off some of the responsibilities i was carrying and so now am left with nothing. looking back to leaders' retreat, i think i am the only potential leader who did not go on to serve as a leader. sigh.

yeah ben or lydia if you read this, i am open to taking on a new commitment. of course i can't say yes to anything lar. learnt that i got to pray first before taking on new stuff.

again, maybe God wants me to concentrate on my school work for this final year.. or He's answering my prayer to be able to spend more time alone, and growing in Him.

2. social life

i don't keep any personal emails. i think i don't recieve any actually.. don't know if that is bad.. if you know me, you'd probably know i don't sms anyone or email or talk to anyone on the phone or anything regularly. i think i don't put in a lot of effort to care for my friends.. sorry for being such a bad friend. but i really don't have that habit of continually communicating with someone. maybe i should start that habit. i don't know.. tag/sms/call/email me if you wanna be my friend. haha..

but of course, i know i do have lotsa good friends around me. thanks all you friends for still being friends with me though i'm not a good friend..

:p

cue: act as if nothing happened.

haha.. i can live without it today. and tomorrow, and maybe the rest of my life. but just maybe.

really glad that i completed the 11 rounds at pe today. its like 3.3 km in 20 mins. kinda slow but it feels won-der-ful. i think i am starting to appreciate hard-earned satsifaction now.

had a great monday though some bad stuff happened. thanks for the company. cheered up the monday i hated most.

the joy of the Lord came back to me last night. God saves.

once again, He has proven that in essence there is only ONE thing that i need, ONE thing i cannot live without..

turn your eyes upon Jesus,
look full in His wonderful face,
and the things of the earth,
will grow strangely dim,
in the light of His glory and grace.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Oh but at often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

'Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others only read of
Others only dream of the love
Oh the love that I love
la la la la

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words than I had ever heard
And I feel so alive

Oh then you and I you and I
Not so little you and I any more
Oh, and with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving
Is the glory of a boy

'Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well then i'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally de de de de de de de, well i'm almost finally, finally, Well I am free, free, free

And it's ok
If you had to go away
Oh just remember the telephones
Well they're working it both ways
But if I never, ever hear it ring
If nothing else
I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else
And that's ok
'Cause I'll remeber everything you sang

'Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well then im almost finally out of
I'm finally out of, finally de de de de de de de de,
Well i'm almost finally finally,
Out of words.

ok you get to read this if you actually went through that whole song up there. beware this is a pessimistic entry though.

saturday night, as i laid in my bed thinking, i felt like my heart fell out of my chest and shattered into a million pieces right below me. i couldn't trace it to what, but today i know.

because today is the day it all fell apart.

i've lived in utopia since mid-holidays and i'm back down to this hell they call earth now.

played the worst i've ever did at 8am today. honestly, i couldn't even properly worship God at service today. condemn me if you want, but i couldnt. midway through the song, i just desperately wanted to stop playing and forget about it all. i think God would be displeased with me today.

slacked my time away till jamming at 2pm. heard uncle mingtay talk about cutting our church's album. i've got some songs, but i don't know if i should put them out though. don't know if its good enough, don't know if it is relevant, don't know if people can be bothered with my whinings.

jamming at 2pm, played crappily again. luckily gaius was there or i think breakthrough wouldn't have pulled through today. i'm sorry i'm such a frikkin lousy guitarist. was in quite a lousy/tired mood during jamming. again, couldn't properly worship God again.

Father, why have You hidden Your face from me?

i know i'll find You if i seek with all my heart, strength and soul. i know i didn't. i've fallen and now i've only got a broken heart, no strength and a wounded soul to find You with. can i still find You?

to sum it up, i feel damn unworthy and stupid.

unworthy to be a levite leading people to worship
unworthy to be a leader to the people
unworthy to be looked up to
unworthy to live the life God has so wonderfully blessed me with.

and stupid to fall for a girl that's obviously out of reach
stupid enough to actually be sad about a crush that i'll probably laugh at when i'm older
stupid enough to say that above statement when i know she's the best person that has ever crossed my life.

stupid enough to think someone would reassure me when they read this entry.

stupid enough to open my heart and let people see my raw painful wounds.

and stupid enough to be typing this entry.