I've seen you hanging 'round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within with hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breathe

i wonder if i will one day break free from all this negativity i'm living it.. i know who God is and his promises, but it doesn't give me the kind of change others get. i can't fit myself into something like them.. so nice and so faithful.. i know i can be happy for moments and slip back into negativity. i have no idea how to stop this.. i am not, and cannot be bible-reading-quoting-holy christians and don't want to be either. deep inside, i desire for someone to come save me. someone who can break this disease and let me breathe.

Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe

I really desire for someone to be that for me. not only attractive to me, but also someone who'd really devote to caring. but if she sees the negativity in my blood, the kind of person i really am, she wouldn't care about me at all would she? i want so much but i have got nothing to give in return.

And all of your weight
And all you dreams
Falls on me, it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
And the light you bring
Falls on me, it falls on me

which is why i don't have the courage to go after any girl right now. i don't think i have what it takes to be a good man for anyone. i don't want to break her dreams, i don't want to mar her life. i don't wanna spoil anyone's life ever again. if it falls on me, i would try my hardest, but deep inside i know i might just break. and i have enough responsibility to not want to just take and not to give.

Am I that strong
To carry on
I might change your life
I might save my world
Could you save me?

and i will just remain as i am, until the time is right. either i am strong enough or someone saves me. or the right one comes along. so that is why i have been single and still am..

i hope that answers your question.

but i want her so bad.

i'm more than halfway through my holidays.. somehow, the free time i have actually seems scarce. oh man.. the holidays aren't what i thought it to be.

there are so many things i want to do.. write songs, windsurf, hang out, date, eat good food, fool around, have late nights, stayovers.. the shitty holidays are gonna be over too soon! and youth camp being so late really sucks.. kinda wish youth camp would be earlier, so we get to enjoy more holidays..

trying to learn hymns on the guit.. somehow, hymns and me just don't connect.. coming from a methodist church tts weird huh?

i'm gonna bring fragile for oasis. i think some ppl will make some noise lar.. but i also wanna bring my friends to oasis wat.. so i guess i'll just shut u guys out of my head and lose my reputation.. at least i get to bring my friends to heaven. so there.

the concept of the special one. i think it is kinda sucky that there can be only one.. what if you are not for the one for your special one? so i don't wanna believe in it. afterall, i've experiences of the one being so right but turning out to be utter rubbish at the end.. haha. its just silly huh. the special one can always be someone else..

when i look at old couples, i'm always filled with envy and respect.. i wonder if i will ever get to tt stage.. maybe there's a her that can make me want to change my life.. to be a normal, good person, want to hold a stable job, be a good example, in other words, make me want to grow up.. and i wouldn't mind being boringly mature if i get to spend the rest of my life with her.. mmmm. wait.. i dun think so.. i dun think i can ever grow up. haha. wait till i find her then say lar.

i decided to use more singlish.. cool eh. don't wanna be some poseur, just talk the way i want to.. but then i dun really use so much. weird..

and i feel so silly.. tempted to delete like the last 5 posts.. but i wont lar. tt was how i felt, and i feel silly about it now. so let it be.

have a really nice day.. i'll just leave you with this quote(not very accurately though) from the amazing race.. or somewhere..

"i've got the most amazing wife.."

let me get there please..

oh man. a secret leaked.. i feel kinda insecure now. i made it a secret coz i didnt want anything to happen. i didnt want to make mistakes again and this time. i wanna do it God's way... hopefully someone will just not do anything after hearing it. and everyone who knows, i've got my own issues regarding this lar. so please try respecting it and dun go set me up or smthing.. thanks.

in reverse chronological order,

1. the bbq today was fun.. thanks to the hangs for being cool hosts and stuff. didnt eat enough and once again i was just waiting for ppl to feed me instead of helping to cook. hahaaa. it was a really cool bbq though. and i found out the secret leaked. oh my. fooled around and stuff.. at the end, got dunked in the pool. had trouble washing up and stuff.. went home in quite an uncomfortable state.. haha. but haf to thank leah for getting me the towel and letting me in to wash up. if u're reading this, thanks!

2. soccer ministry was ok.. i still dunno how am i gonna bridge the gap between the two groups.. man i just dun feel so hot. this two nigerian players came and i could barely understand a word they say. but they're good lar.. got scolded for dribbling too much. do i?

3. CG. watever we said there remains in lar. no comments.

4. service.. played quite badly for service i think. maybe not used to acoustic lar. but my heart felt more right with God when playing today then during the rehearsal. hope that means smthing to the big Him up there. and i sat on a broken chair after getting bread and wine. kinda like sitting on a chair with three legs. and i think God has a message for me in this...

ok for a chair which was built to balance on 4 legs, having a chair with 3 legs wont fall you. but you can't help but notice that one leg is missing, and feel kinda insecure and stuff because of this.. i guess God has a life support system for me and currently i am missing one or two of the legs. gotta find it man. Lord, tell me how.

of course i'm not saying that depending on God alone isn't enough. but the support system is what God uses on us lar. i dunnoe how to say it. ok u know what i mean.

gonna go malaysia tmr.. cut hair, eat, shop, eat. see how lor. had a reallie good week.. but i'm really blown out alreadi. really tired now. haf fun and God bless!