today is technically the first day of the holidays. well on the last day of sch, i met the hottest gal in my life. actually she was there along and then just on that day, i realized she is THAT hot!

oh freak. infatuation?

aniwaes since i cannot get to sleep, i shall reflect on this sch year..

start of the year, posted to yj. pissed reallie. not my kind of sch or so i thought.. orientation was a buncha crap to me. i skipped half of it. hahaha.. and mixed into my first cls pretty ok.. t10 i think. met ppl like chiun cher, alex, eugene, joel, zong xin, joycelin? amy, da jie da, a bunch of reallie seriously nice ppl. mostly frm neighbourhood schs like myself.. and quite a lot of ppl.. dun really remember all their names. cant recall.. haha. oh well. it was fun playing sports, chick watching, attending lectures, skipping lectures, making fun of edward heng.. haha. it was just like holiday sch... didnt study much tho..

after nearly a month, got posted into another cls. p19.. with 4 subs, phy econs math geog. could not stand the 8-5 schedule. didnt want to waste my entire life in sch. got clinically depressed. hahaha... so met evan, davin, robin, andrea, zhi qi, sor hong, shu jing and a lot others who quit sch so soon. attended lessons and evan was my main project partner. haha.. nice too. go out of sch for lunch with him and stuffs. well it lasted till late feb, and i reallie couldn't take tt life animore. leave home before the sun rises and reach home after the sun set. the 1hr trips to and from yj reallie got me. every journey i'd be on the verge of breaking down. so unofficially dropped out of sch and attended like 1% of sch till JAE. but it was a cool cls tho. thru this time some utterly horrible stuff happened in my social life, and church life too. haha.. and i am actualli pretty glad certain stuff happened. i'd be living in horror if it hadn't.. phew.

finally, JAE.. posted to CJ.. culture shock man. all from schs like SJI and marist and IJ.. at first couldn't fit in quite well... orientation passed without making a lot of new frens. felt reallie out of place as i am totally zonked out. the onli ppl i knew.. karene left for nyjc, walter(thanks bro), shujing, robin ha and a few beattyians i nv talked to. it just sucked being the new kid on the block. everibody else pretty much knew each other oredi.. so i guess i was like the extra one.

things eventually got better tho.. got to know more of my clsmates.. hehz. i think i'll continue this cj part another time.. too tired. wait ppl.. just wait.

ok back to edit this post.

when i arrived in cj, for a while, i wondered if yj would have been better for me.. at yj, i could actually fit in better. like i could be in there and be me. but over here at cj, it just seems different. boys from boys sch are really despo and tries too hard to impress, so does girls from girls sch.. grateful to be from a mixed sch...

starting of term 2(april) life was bad.. didnt seem to fit anywhre.. didn't even have a clique to go around with.. i mean everybody has a clique right? its like the safety zone and your world. no one could harm u there.. haha. aniwaes tt problem was unresolved thruout the year.. i still do not have a clique in cj.. ok maybe becoz i was watching out to stop myself from cliquing.. if u watched a walk to remember, mandy moore didnt have a clique too..and i also read abt this girl, who didnt want to have a clique, so that she could be more approachable, and by that, anybody who needs help would be more ok to go up to her.. yea she was doing that so that she could share Christ. but then i am not a girl. oh wells maybe it is just because i am very loserfied thats why i have got no clique..

oh aniwae, continuing on, it was hella hectic term.. joining judo, project work, homework, cip, wat else shit u get in jc i got in tt term.. yea its the hell term of jc.. actually jc1 is the hell term of jc.. tt term was crazy and then holidays came.. supposed to study for midyrs.. ended up training, playing and slacking the hols away.. got a D E F for midyrs.. with tt grade i'd haf gotten retained...

ok term 3.. judo season.. the coach kicked me out of the team. ever since, i lost interest in judo.. i mean wat the hell.. tell me to go for morning trainings, and then get kicked out for some person who nv go training like a few weeks before com. screw u. white belt so wat. i can punch ur *****.. ok. hah.. i wasnt too pleased la but i guess its onli right coz at tt point of time, i onli played judo for like wat 3 months? sorta newest person in there.. haha. ok tt term was ok.. not as crazy as the term before.. so i survived! :D

term 4.. wat else? promos. studying for promos, rushing pw.. mugger season.. i don't reallie mug la.. i study and understand stuffs and experience euphoria from thinking up weird connections between the stuffs i study. which isnt reallie good. come to think of it, if i didnt spend so much time trying to understand the physics concepts and just memorized them, i'd haf done much better than the B E D i got. u wont deny tt i slack a lot tho.. come to think of it, the period of the exams, i onli studied like 4 hours a day? others would have double mine i guess, seeing hw other ppl study.. and further before the exam i did even less.. i dun even do all my hmwk.. the only extra work i do, before, during and after tuitions i ask from amelia or other ppl..

aniwaes post promos, had PEEP.. hiking, then kayaking.. running down bukit timah was fun. go try it sometime.. just wear paddings and install brakes. netball.. our class won, the other team of my cls.. my team.. lost la. not too bad. i realized i dun like ball games half as much as i used to.. from someone soccer crazy to music crazy.. i changed tt much in one year.. and sports i enjoy? stuffs like windsurfing tho i dun do it a lot..kayaking was ok. single kayaked. real reason? didnt want to be stuck with anione for the whole day on one pathetic piece of plastic in the sea.. info for t19 ppl? i am anti social actually. beneath the crappy exterior theres a part of me u may never ever see.. u'd haf noticed if u read my blog entries way earlier. did anyone care? no. thanks a lot ppl. actually it was just tt i nv really opened myself up to my sch peeps la. i had the same prob in sec sch too.. i dun even dare to open myself up my best friends even.

sigh i dun reallie noe hw to continue on abt life in cj.. there were good stuffs. teacher's day, youth day, every special day.. cj staff were prob out to prove tt they loved the students.. thanks a lot. for making us feel special.. yea first point in my life whre i appreciate wat teachers are doing for me without having to go thru a helluva mess first..

ok this is one boring entry. the message? i screwed up my sch year and i'm blaming everyone for it. thanks for reminding me how loser i am.

last day of sch. gonna reflect over this schyr over the next few days. see wat i can do to salvage wats left of my year. maybe i'll post, maybe i won't..

anibody got ani cds to lend?

no i want pugjelly's cd in paticular.. nic send me the song i think. i think it was her or smone else. pretty sure it was a gal. erm its "come home soon" anibody got tt cd or tt mp3, complete version, please send to me or lend it to me!

i want to stretch myself out thin this holiday i think. most likely.

oh well no more waking up at 6.15am.. but no more of the crap i get in cj too.. somehow i'm gonna miss that sea of blue. :( ?

oh wells. exploitations of the blog.

i am at tt point again. the point where i have to turn back. i have to stop running. got to face it up. need to say my sorries. need to be broken down, totally, thirsting for the grace that built me to rebuild me once again. open my beacon for God to light the fire. feel His love and grace rain upon me. be naked before God and me. be in awe of His glory.

Jesus, I've forgotten the words that You have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim
With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom
Forgive me for my unbelief
Renew the fire again

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me

I have built an altar where I worship things of men
I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from You
Now I am returning to Your mercies ever flowing
Pardon my transgressions
Help me love You again

I have longed to know You & Your tender mercies
Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end
I bow my heart before You in the goodness of Your presence
Your grace forever shining
Like a beacon in the night

Lord have mercy. taken from michael w smith.