first time i'm feeling so concerned about exams, and i dun reallie know wat to do...

well want to know abt my day? here goes.. woke up at 8.. then had breakfast.. played guitar a bit read blogs a bit, surf net a bit.. til ten and i wen to study.. started with math.. functions n graphs.. it was ok la. i dunnoe hw i am going to pass my exams.. would it help if i said i'd jsut trust God with it? then after a bit of that, i couldn't take math animore, so i did physics.. gravitation.. well physics is my favourite subject so it was quite fun.. i don't feel the despair i got from math.. then had lunch at 1 i think.. ate some spaghetti wif some weird sotong thing.. tasted quite ok la.. but didn't fill me up.. i'm still hungry... and then after that, watched tv.. touched by an angel. hehz.. till 3 came online till 3.30 like tt.. went back to study.. tried some more gravitations, then studied econs.. oligopoly and monopolistic com.. so finished all my market structures now.. labour n wages left and i finish the whole things for econs already! then played guitar, had dinner, showered and watched tv.. until now.. hmm i guess the guitar's pretty much my only solace nowadays.. nobody to talk to, and when i have no where to go and am stuck at home, the one thing i do besides blogging or reading blogs or surfing the net or doing something impt, i am playing guitar.. well i think i've improved quite a lot since june which was the last hols i think.. can play more stuff, can hear better, feels more comfortable on the guitar but still not good enough..

hmmm.. been thinking abt the worship ministry thing..u know 6 of us are going thru tt preparation process now.. if someone suddenly comes in and gets to start playing without tt preparation process right, i think most of us would feel very cheated.. and i guess nobody will say it... yea i guess i'd feel very cheated, i mean our God isn't an incosistent God and i won't reallie appreciate inconsistent church leaders.. but i guess it won't happen la. n it aint for me to whine either.. i have zero power in it.. and rightfully, nobody, not cindy, not benjamin, not grace, not anybody should have any control or exert power over it.. the ministry is God and God's alone. the purpose is God and God alone.

one thing i have learnt from that, is when God asks u to wait, when u r waiting ur faith may get tested, and before u reach the end, not once will u feel the wait is worthwhile... tt is a training for faith and God would want to train some people's faith more.. and worship has to be really about God.. if it is about me and my guitar, or other people and their watevers, it wouldn't work... it is about God and that is the only way about worship.. btw i am referring to corporate worship here la.. i dun reallie know how to bring this point across so i shall just repeat God ten times..

God God God God God God God God God God

it is very easy to lose focus on tt, and surrender it all to God.. but yea if God wants me to be treated unfairly, i guess i'd just take it but of coz i wouldn't go down without a fight, becoz u see God didnt give us a spirit of timidity and if u see anithing tt is not right with God, u shud alwaes go talk to someone about it, but always talk with ur ears open.. and who says u don't learn from fighting..

dun reallie feel like going back to my books so shall talk some more rubbish.. notice the first or second paragraph up there? i didn't leave my front door once today.. nope nope nope.. not once at all! tt means i've been at home from sunrise till sunset.. haha.. no lifer.. but it is pretty ungrand, coz can't reallie see much the glory of God's creation down here at home.. maybe i shall go jogging or smthing tmr just for seeing it..

and judo comes to my mind.. dun reallie feel like going back.. ah heck.. wait till it resumes then see how. judo is reallie boring my bones silly... i just dread going back into the stupid dojo and trying to throw some precious person around. i mean it is just silly la. dress in a funny white suit with funny words on ur chest and do funny movements. shud haf joined something else.. or just quit and lose all my cca points.. hurhur..

i am reallie feeling very old. it is even cloudy around me now.. i dun feel young, i dun feel like a cocky all-star no more.. i feel dead. i swear listening to too much metallica ages and bitters you..

am i dead?

Somebody once asked, "Could you spare some change for gas
I need to get myself away from this place"
I said yep, what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change.

Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming
Fed you the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey now you're an
All Star get your game on, go play
Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid
(And all that glitters is gold)
Only shooting stars...

break the mould....

be a shooting star then..

touched by an angel.. again.. haha.. i dun feel like saying a lot today, but today's episode featured plus one.. so leave ya wif the song yea?


Yeah......

I know that lately
things have been so hard
and looking out
through your broken heart
all you can see is dark
and lonely days ahead
but remember Jesus said

He knows every star in the sky
every single tear that you cry,
His love is here faithful and alive
i know that this world can be cold
in His arms your never alone
that's His promise to you and I

When hope has disappeared
and your heart aches
you might not recognize
the touch of grace
but on the other side
of every dying dream
His love is waiting patiently

With every angel there's a love
that never leaves your side
His love is deeper than the ocean
or a mountain high
you've got to know
there's hope in your heart
and if you listen with your heart
i know you'll hear Him say
you are my child and I am with you
each and everyday
He is the one Who knows your soul


He knows every star in the sky
every single tear that you cry,
His love is here faithful and alive
i know that this world can be cold
in His arms your never alone
that's His promise to you and I

That's the promise for you and I

Jimmy Eat World - The middle

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
and looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in.
Live right now and just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else.

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine, Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.

i'd be happy writing a song like that..

"she doesn't live on the clouds, and she doesn't live in a condo.. she lives, in the presence of God and that is the most beautiful thing."
- quote from touched by an angel

i just love tt show.. been always watch it on sat mornings nw... and there is always something to learn from it.. anibody got its vcds or tapes or anithing?

hmmm.. was looking in the mirror just now. haven't reallie taken a good look at myself since i shaved my hair off a month or so back... and incidentally, the episode i was watching was somewhat related to this too..

what i saw in the mirror, i could barely relate to.. no i dun mean tt i'm an ugly monster... but i think i've reallie changed. i don't look like the blur sleepy boy i was animore.. my eyes are tired and for the first time in my life, i am having eyebags.. having been shaving cleanly too and wif tt moustache i look really.. old.. i used to be just a boy. now i don't know.. going into the painful transition to becoming a man? but as of now, things are just so wonderfully screwed up..

my hair's reallie short now from tt shave. can vaguely remember the first time i combed my hair.. was a little boy and i was so thrilled and i thought i had found MY hairstyle and i just thought it was the best thing in the world..and my first comb was similar to my brother's comb so we made some marking on the comb to differentiate me and my bro's com.. and now? my hairstyle changes all the time and i haven't used a comb on my hair for nearly a year...

i used to smile when i'm happy and laugh like an idiot.. i still laugh like an idiot but now i fake a lot of hollow smiles.. it's really just so stupid. smile to look good, smile to show i'm alright to others, smile back at smiling people, smile at people while i think they are the biggest jerk in the world, its just stupid.. so fake. i wonder why i have to fake so much just to get on with life.. i try my hardest not to lie, but guess what? my smiles are all lies...

i need to stop acting and be, me, the man God created me to be and stop using God and let God use me... i need to surrender it all and be a christian. a God-loving christian and not a God-loved christian...

another thing is i haven't reallie got anione to talk to nowadays.. since sec 3, it was like almost always had a close girl-friend to talk to.. not the same person thruout la.. whether i was madly in love with ani of them at any point of time, well i won't say here. too scandalous.. yea but it's reallie different talking to a girl and talking to a boy.. but right now i dun haf ani girls tt i am barely close to.. nil. zero. zilch. sounds reallie despo but yea tts the way it is la. and i feel so alone. maybe its just retribution eh?

i don't long to be the boy i was again. i don't long to be the man i want to be.. i've still got a major lot of years in my life coming and the only way i would want to live it is God's way.

when u're alone and faithless, it's just so hard.

To live for one who died for me, what grace is this?

augh. i am feeling it now! i am i am i am!! i wonder if ppl purposely send out those msges like "all we have worked for the past year.. This is IT!" to stress their classmates in the name of competition.. hurhur.. but thanks aniwaes yea?

i really want to get promoted. i really need to get promoted.. it is always days like these, one day before the exams that u wished u worked harder the past six months and u didn't lie in bed all day thinking about useless stuff when u should be studying.. just noticed how many "u"s i used.. ok fine.. ME, I..

the thought of not getting to J2 is just killing me.. just a few days ago my parents just told me how hard it'd be to explain to the relatives why i nv graduate on time. and i'll probably punch someone the next time i go to my maternal grand's hse if they gif me some smug look after i get retained. i'll beat them shitless.. haha.

I AM REALLY SCARED!

oh lord help me..


oh and i was reading someone's blog archives just now.. its someone i respect quite a great deal.. haha. she probably knows who she is la.. but the thing is, i was exploring around and guess what i found? ARCHIVES! hehz.. and reading her entries of one year ago, i realize i aint tt far off! i can actualli get to where she is now one year later and i can even do better.. it is always encouraging to know u r not tt far off..

adios(watever tt means)

God be with you!

I realize that i enjoy creating things.. be it the music that only i enjoy, stories, thinking up weird ideas, drawing weird pictures, i enjoy it.. i guess that's what God wants me to do for my life..

and aniwaes a few minutes before i leave for church, i feel weirdly alone.. and this lonesome is scary... today may be a moody day. :(