let's hope the com doesnt jam on this entry.. got an entry hatching for the last hour or so?

what am i working so hard for? if it is a fight to get to the top, it aint what i want. because it is not eternal, and once you fall you lose it all.. it actually makes no sense to work so hard JUST to get to the top.

well u see, 1stly, the hike to the top is not easy. it is a hard way up, and it is a daily fight to get even near the top. 2ndly, the fall from the top is waaaayyyy long.. and way hard. so when u get up there, u'll probably spend the rest of ur life, fighting to stay up there.

spending ur whole life fighting, working struggling is perfectly fine, if and only if what you are working for is what you believe in and it is what you realli want in life.

i'm not interested to be the richest man in the world, to be the king of the hill nor to be the glam man. all these things wouldn't make me very happy.

what i want is not what i am currently working for. to get some straight A's for my A levels and top awards and wat shit. it all don't matter.... it's not my purpose in life.

but the problem is, i don't know yet what i want to do in life! maybe getting to the top is what i have been blindly substituting my purpose for.. but it works no longer, now that i know being up there wouldn't make me very happy at all..

and that could be why what i am doing now is getting more n more futile..

But what should i be doing in life?

contributing to society, to this world i am living in?
building a wonderful family and raising my children?
amassing all the stuff i like in this world?

i don't know but what i feel now that is most impt to me now is contributing to this world, making a diff.. my Jesus' revolution.

should i set my life towards that? or should i work for a better life for myself?

i don't know.

was thinking abt when i'm older, what would it feel like not having a good family to go home to? i don't have one now. if i don't build my on in the future, i may totally miss out on this. and it seems quite a big miss.. something i can't live without? well u see, when u r middle aged and unattractive, the onli solace u can find after a tiring day may be going back to a wonderful wife and cute lil or big children. its lovely, and i reallie would want to have that.

of coz i dun mean that my family now sucks or wat. i know my parents and my brother love me and all. its just not very nice going home to them.

and i really want to get out of singapore.. the strictly measured life in singapore is not a very good place to live the kind of life i want to. bleah.