To: Jesus

Hallo dear lord, its been a while..

I'm so sorry that i haven't been spending enough time with you. I'm sorry that i have not been obeying what you have commanded. Lord, do you know how hard it is?

Yes i'm sure you do. As you have said, it is a struggle. Persecution, broken fellowships, trials and tribulations. Everything is so true. I wonder if it is the end times coming. Sometimes i do wonder if it has to be such a struggle. But then we are not even getting the full brunt of it. But you have.

Along with the troubles you said we would get, you have told us about the blessings and all the good stuff too, and yes it does happen. Just like you for your words to be this true. How come we can always thank you enough for those blessings, and yet never complain enough about those trials?

To worship you in spirit and in truth. Lord, thats what i ask. But yet it is hard. I wonder if it must be this way, that fellow believers stumble you, and for pride, they work, rather than love. A perfect church, built on You and love, it seems quite a distant dream. Do you feel saddened that at times the focus is not on you, in a holy temple that is supposed to be all about you?

People trying to gain glory unto themselves. People passing judgement unto others, not by your standards but by their own. And we are called even not to judge. People taking ownership of things that are supposed to be all for you. People hoping to gain respect from church. People searching for satisfaction of their own ego. Systems after system, process after process, it has made everything more of a struggle than it should be. Oh lord, why do we have to please man even in church?

And false worship offered unto you can even be accepted and encouraged. Leaders have gotta remember who is really leading and who everything should be working for don't they? It's saddening that they have to bear so much, so much that they are highly susceptible to lose focus.

I am not even worthy to talk about this. What about me? I'm just a big fake most of the time too. Am i worthy even to criticise when i am not doing better? For you say to remove the log in my eye before i talk about the speck in my brother's eye.

But lord i seek you in spirit and in truth. Rather than following on with everyone, and being accepted ok-ly and accepting everything that people tell me, behaving like others are behaving because it is just so much more easier to. I'd rather seek your truth and your righteousness. And truly you.

By the blood of the lamb take me in, right into the holy of holies, right before you. That i may know your truth. And your glory. And your love.

Amen.