hmm.. i was feeling very fucked and then i went to do qt and reflect a bit.. so heres wat i thought up..

i hadn't had a correct relationship with God. Upon reflection, i think i have been doing things out of duty, not love. Yes its true. I was a big fat fako. Acts like raising my hands in worship, singing for God, helping out whenever i'm called, doing alpha, praying nicely, telling my friends about God, every part of my christian life, somehow it has turned into a routine, and it has become a duty, rather than an act of love. Maybe in the beginning, or some point of spiritual highness, i felt and maybe was really doing it out of love. But now, it doesn't seem that way.

God desires our relationship with him the most. Given that he is almighty all knowing and creator, i guess its useless acting holy and everything. What is inside really matters the most. How we truly feel, and what we are really doing stuff for.. that matters the most to Him. He doesnt want me to be a role model, or to be the infallible leader i sometimes make myself. When i do sin, when i need help, i don't have to worry about stumbling others. I am not the almighty. He is. When I'm feeling all screwy and stuff, i don't have to put up a fake smile and even to God say "I thank you for the trial the pain the everything.. Bla bla" when i don't mean it. I can be frank with God! he allows me to be so. Just like all the people who r really close to God in the bible. Abraham, Moses all those people. I think God used them not because they were holier than anyone else and would blindly submit to God. i think its the frankness and truthfulness they have with God that allowed such a close relationship between God and them. And also acknowledging that at the end of the day, the one in charge of it all will still be God. But still they will talk to God, argue maybe? For God is also a listening God. Who loves without opening a listening ear?

If you believe in God's love, have faith that he will listen!

But acknowledge his greatness too. What he says, know that he is still above all, and awesome is he.

hmm.. and the answer to a question i was thinking about some time back First to seek or to serve? Seek.

And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all of your heart, I will be found.

What does it mean to touch eternity?
Is it possible to touch eternity during our temporarily stay in this stay here?

feeling so screwed now... hmm.. can't organize my thoughts.. hahaaa..

ok so here is how it goes.. God answered my prayer! i prayed for money to repair/ buy a new guitar and yea.. he provided me with 200 bucks for tt.. a sudden hong bao frm my grand ma.. haha.. and for alpha.. i prayed for more ppl n stuff.. n there were more.. its close to twenty nw i think.. and he gave me a chance to invite some bb frens to sweat.. tts wat i prayed for.. praise him for tt. God is truly great!

but i feel so darn screwed..

i feel like i'm not worthy of it all, and rite nw, i aint even doing qt regularly now..

and i'm nt very committed to church now..

and i think of bad stuff a lot..

i feel like i'm falling into a sinful lifestyle all over again..

but yet God is blessing me! am i worthy of this truly? am i even worthy to be called his son, and spend eternity with Him?

am i worthy of the pain he beared on the cross for me?

i guess not.

But then its grace. its grace that has set me free.. that he died for me.. that he is blessing me tho i'm horrible to him...

but maybe i'm not even worthy of grace...

What then can i do?